HOW NOT TO FALL IN LOVE (Part 2) - What's your fantasy?

Carol sat leisurely in the park under the oak tree, warm sun rays gently streaming through the leaves above. She had a glow about her. One she hadn't had in a long time. Even her friends had started to notice it.

As Bruce walked towards her, he couldn't help but notice it too.

They'd agreed to meet up here just to hang out for a bit and enjoy the lovely weather. She smiled as she looked up and caught his eye. He warmed up all over. He'd never felt this way just by a woman's smile.
As he took his seat beside her, she turned towards him and reached out to hug him. He reciprocated her gesture with glee.

'Hey Carol, how are you?'

'I'm well,' she smiled that smile that never failed to pull his heart strings, 'how are you?'

They proceeded to catch up on the events of their respective weeks and after hours of banter and good laughs, headed off to a restaurant for a meal.

It was there that Carol mentioned something quite shocking. Something he didn't see coming.

'Bruce, my ex Daniel has been in touch with me lately and he's thinking of us getting back together. I kind of want to give him another chance. What do you think?'

Shock alert!

Bruce never realised that Carol thought they were just friends. He had already built up a fantasy that they were dating - when in reality he'd never expressly asked her out or even told her he liked her.

Needless to say, that was the end of his fantasy and he quickly came to terms with his real place as just a friend!

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A fantasy is a fanciful mental image, typically one on which a person often dwells and which reflects their conscious or unconscious wishes. A fantasy is a world built on day dreams, ignoring reality.

A lot of the time, we slip into a world of fantasy because we misinterpret people's words, actions or intentions. At other times, we misconstrue people's reaction to our actions. For example in the above fictitious story, Bruce was of the opinion that because he hung out with Carol, she was interested in him, he was the reason for her happiness and as such he was 'the man' in her life. And he had all these assumptions regardless of the fact that he had made no formality of his intentions.

It's easy to say 'Don't fantasise about the person,' but what is even better is to say 'don't create the breeding ground for fantasies'.

It is almost inevitable to daydream or fantasise about a person if you're always in their company, always on the phone to each other, always chatting or sharing intimate experiences. When we fill our lives with a person, even when we're apart, thoughts of that person will sneak in and then fantasies begin to develop. We begin to imagine things and create false and unrealistic ideals. If allowed to go unfettered, these fantasies could result in us falling in love before we're ready, for the wrong reasons and in some cases, with the other party oblivious to it all!

Extra caution should be taken not to allow fantasies develop especially where you're just recovering from a break up, already in a relationship or positively sure you're not yet ready for a relationship.

That's all on today's post - 'What's your fantasy?' Hope it's somehow encouraged and enlightened you. I like to keep it short and sweet :)

Next time in part 3 of 'How not to fall in love', we'll be talking about delusions - which interestingly are often an offshoot of unguarded fantasies!

Please share if this has blessed you... You never know who you could be helping.

Catch you later and God bless!


Sarah. 

HOW NOT TO FALL IN LOVE - Treasure Your 'Myspace'

Hi guys! I know it's been a while since I blogged…it's due to very personal reasons I may share with you in the near future. But anyway, I'm back and have got a lot of great stuff to share, starting with a 5-part series on 'How not to fall in love'. This is part 1 of 5. Hope you enjoy it, comment and share…God bless!

Most times we hear teachings about how to fall in love, tips on knowing when you're in love and steps to knowing when you've found 'the one'. Interestingly, there is a flip side to this and despite it being just as important, it is not very often the topic of conversations. How not to fall in love is probably something everyone should know, whether single or married (because married people sometimes fall in love with someone else outside their marriage and this could lead to seperation and divorce!).

Some of us have the 'gift' of falling in love too quickly. Some are always on the rebound only to get constantly hurt again and again. The following short and 'sweet' tips are by no means an exhaustive list but should hopefully give you some guidance on how to avoid falling in love, or at least help you not fall in love in a hurry.

Treasure your 'Myspace'. What does this mean? Keep your personal information personal. Particularly avoid sharing important personal information if it provokes deep feelings in you. Obviously, the world we live in today is such a social village that everyone's business is on Facebook and Twitter. However, you do have a few personal secrets no one else knows.

You know how you've been hurt in the past. You know what memories of your past or childhood make you vulnerable. Only you know how you want to be loved. These are personal to you and should not be shared if you want to avoid falling in love.

Sharing these sort of details early on in a relationship is very likely to result in empathy, which consequently could create a bond between parties. When I was single, there was one guy who was so crazy about me, he would sometimes literally be in tears when telling me about somethings in his life and how he really needs me. I on the other hand knew I did not want anything other than friendship from him and so even though I had sympathy for him, I did not let it translate to any other kind of intimate feeling. Imagine if I allowed his emotions get to me and I started thinking about him, eventually, I would have been bonded to him and maybe fallen in love with him - all be it out of pity.

Which brings me to my next point. Sometimes, by virtue of being very open about yourself and talking about your hurts too early in a relationship, you could make the other party fall in love with you for the wrong reasons - out of pity. And this really does not last, unfortunately.

That's all on today's post - 'Treasure your 'Myspace'

Next time, we'll be talking about fantasies - don't we all just love to fantasise!

Catch you later and God bless!


Sarah

GEARING UP FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

It’s only January, but I tell you everyone who’s in a relationship is already counting down to the 14th of February when traditionally, Valentine’s day is celebrated. It is a day many ladies look forward to and most guys dread - mainly because when it comes to deciding what gift to get, they are often at a loss. There is often a silent, almost subtle build up to valentine, with both parties secretly expecting a romantic surprise on the day. There is also often an amount of suppressed tension, as each party tries to get the perfect gift or treat for their partner, or organize a special meal or outing to blow their minds away!.

So in the build up to Valentine, what are the key things to consider? Here are a few tips

First, don’t have unrealistic expectations. It is easy to dream up fantastic things we expect our partners to do for us. Expect the best, but be realistic. If your partner is not into hot air balloon rides, for example, it is highly unlikely that that will be your valentine’s treat - unless you probably drop the hint.

Secondly, have a plan to give. Love is not a one sided coin. As much as you expect to receive something for Valentine, you should also have a plan to give something back - no matter how small. Love is about sharing. You could even give to charity on behalf of your partner. That way you will both be doing something for a good cause and showing love in its truest form

The next point is something very dear to my heart. Statistics have shown that Valentine season and Christmas are two of the main periods when young people are most sexually active. If you’re single and in a relationship, don’t use Valentine as an excuse to go all the way. Even as you get excited about expressing your love for each other on that special day, don’t allow yourself get carried away. There is more to a relationship than what happens on Valentine.

Finally, see the big picture. However the day goes for you on the 14th of February, regardless of whether it’s a flop or a fab day, see beyond Valentine. He may not have bought the perfect gift and she may not have got you a gift at all, but don’t let it destroy what you have. It’s supposed to be a means to an end - the end being you showing someone else that you love and care about them - and not the end itself. Don’t limit your expression of love for each other to Valentine alone. We shouldn't wait until the 14th of February to exchange gifts or give each other pleasant surprises. We ought to make the art of doing something special for our partners a constant element of your relationships.

And for my friends who may not have someone special to share the day with, remember this - you are special! Buy yourself a gift, give yourself a treat! You can only love your neighbour as much as you love yourself, so why not love yourself for a change?

Smile, because everything is gonna be Just Fine! Shalom!

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Joann stood frozen in the hallway. She could not believe what she had just heard. How was she to answer? What would be her answer? When was she going to answer? These questions danced around in her mind like children on a play ground. She was utterly confused. Excited, but confused.

Only moments ago, Kevin, whom she had been dating for six months, asked her to marry him. It was so unexpected. Not once had she picked up the hint that he felt so strongly about her. He did mention once that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but she dismissed it; don't want to start getting excited she’d thought. She could even count the number of times he’d told her 'I love you'. The first time was about a month after they met. They’d been out to the cinema to see a new romantic comedy and even shared their first kiss as they parted ways that night. They were both pretty weak for each other that night and she thought his reference to the word 'love' only meant something else. She could count on her fingers the number of times he’s said ‘I love you’ since then.

Before they started dating, they had known each other casually for about three years, as they were both members of the same local church. The past six months they shared together helped her see him in a new light. He was funny, generous and so caring. Not a day went by without him checking on her to see that she was OK. He was also such an extrovert, and every weekend, he would take her to one party or another. In most cases he was the life of the party. This weekend, they were out with friends at a house warming party.

And now as she stood there bemused and lost for words, she could feel the twenty pairs of eyes of their - mostly his - friends piercing through her as they waited for what seemed like an eternity for her to respond to his question.

Her mouth felt like an arid desert. Is this what ladies go through? She thought, I didn’t know saying 'yes' was this difficult.

'Joann', Kevin broke into her thoughts with his ever so gentle voice, 'I know it's a bit unexpected', he paused, then added slightly nervously 'but I think you want to say something?'

Joann was still dumbfounded and tongue-tied. She felt like she'd lost her voice. I don't want to say something. She knew she wanted to say ‘yes’, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to say it.

Not just yet.

There was silence as everyone waited. A very awkward and deafening silence

Finally, she mustered some strength, enough to produce some audible, albeit muffled sound from her lips. 'Yes.' She whispered.

'She said ‘yes’!' One of the people closer to the front of the room yelled. 'She said ‘yes’!' another echoed and the room became agog with laughter and celebration as Kevin pulled Joann to himself and they united in a warm and tight embrace. As Joann nestled her head on Kevin's chest, she couldn't help but ask herself have I done the right thing?

.…………………………………………………………………………………………………

The choice of who we marry is a life changing one. It goes a long way to determine and influence what we eventually become in life. It is a lifelong covenant, so it should be made with care.

Just like in the story of Joann and Kevin, most of the time, the onus is on the woman to decide if a relationship will lead to marriage. It is not so much if the man proposes, but it is if the woman accepts the proposal.

Many relationships lead to a proposal, but not every proposal will be answered with a 'yes'. Sometimes, to safeguard against getting a 'no', men stage a very public proposal; like in front of a crowd or audience expecting that the woman will not deny them publicly. Still, there have been quite a few public refusals where the woman just knows a public 'no' before a marriage is better than a public divorce after.

There will most assuredly be the right one, but women need to exercise caution and be prayerful before accepting a marriage proposal. There are various signs that could help you identify 'the one', and these signs are not 'tall, dark and handsome with a great job, house and car' as many ladies say wishfully. Though they are ‘good-to-haves’, they are not ‘must-haves’.

A few signs to look out for are - Compatibility – you must get along well and have similar or complimenting personalities, goals and ambitions. Physical attraction – among other things, you must be happy with the thought of seeing his face first thing in the morning. Chemistry – there must be some romantic feelings that you both have for each other. Friendship – you can call him your best friend and he gets along well with your friends and family. This is in no way a comprehensive list!

The interesting thing is you could have all these and still not be sure if he's the one and whether to say ‘yes’ when he pops the big question. I have had several ladies ask me 'how do I know that he is the one for me, I don't want to make a mistake?' I often give them three keys to knowing if to say ‘yes’.

1. Personal peace (Isaiah 26:3). This is a sign that you are in line with God's purpose for you. If you do not feel any reservations or anxiety towards the idea of spending the rest of your life with him, then you are likely to be on the right course. Going into marriage requires a strong conviction and resolution to love and live with your partner come hell or high water, so your heart and mind must feel right about it. Like someone said ‘the thought of marrying him must not scare you in the least’.

2. Pastoral approval (2 Chronicles 20:20). If you submit to your spiritual leaders or spiritual parents, then you should keep them in the loop of your relationships, especially where marriage is concerned. Sometimes, they can discern things you cannot, so will be able to guide your decision in line with God's purpose for you.

3. Parental approval (Judges 14:1-3). This is sometimes the most difficult to obtain, as parents expectations from relationships could be vastly different from yours or your spiritual leaders'. In some cases, you may not even be able to obtain parental approval; say where there are religious or racial differences the parents are not ready to accommodate. But in all your getting strive to get your parents on your side where marriage is concerned, as their blessing is very important.

These are three ‘Ps’ that will help you know 'the one' and hopefully, help you make the right choice. Personal Peace giving you mental cover, Pastoral Approval giving you spiritual cover and Parental Approval giving you physical cover.

So remember when that special moment comes and he pops the 'magic question', don't say 'yes' without giving it some deep thought and prayer. It is always easy to ask a question, never so easy to give an answer.

IS THERE A MIDDLE GROUND?

We live in a world where conflicting messages about what is expected of adolescent sexual activity are fed to us on a constant basis. The most affected of these divergent views, being the youth and singles.

On one hand, they are told to abstain or to just say “NO” without knowing why, for how long or exactly how to go about it. On the other hand, they may see sexual relationships as extremely desirable, given the way celebrities, music, movies, TV, magazines and commercials present casual sexual gratification as harmless and a great source of pleasure. They are made to believe sexual gratification cannot and need not be saved for marriage.

Then there is the pressure they are likely to face from their 'partners', because let's face it, sexual attraction starts from early teenage years, so to think a teenager does not have a boy/girl friend or a crush or secret admirer is to be in denial.

So then, is there a middle ground between both extremes? Can we help young people make better decisions regarding their sexuality without getting them confused? It is a tricky question.

It may help if we scrutinized the word 'Abstinence'. What really does it mean?
Abstinence is self-denial and the willful avoidance of pleasures for the achievement of a higher goal. Self-denial suggests resisting one's own desires. It does not suggest ignoring them.

It is hard on young people when we don't make it clear to them that they will have sexual desires and these should be acknowledge and can be addressed and effectively managed.
Dare I say, it is also unfair if we deny the fact that there are indeed pleasures to be derived from sex. After all, sex was designed by God to be a pleasurable experience, shared between husband and wife (Song Of Solomon 4:12-15). However, the whole idea of abstinence is being aware of a pleasurable experience, but deliberately and consciously avoiding it.  

Yet, the most interesting fact about the word abstinence is that it is done in order to achieve a greater goal. It is done knowing that there is a reward on the other side. This could be anything from living in good health and free from STDs to pursuing a political career not fraught with sexual scandals. The rewards of abstinence are far reaching.

But it is not all fun and games. Abstaining from sex, especially given the sort of pressures facing youth today, is not a walk in the park. In the first instance, it requires the knowledge of why you’re doing it, otherwise, it would be pointless.

Discipline, and self-control are key where abstinence is concerned. They are to abstinence what fuel is to a car. The calibre of friends one associates with also goes a long way to influence the choices made where sexual expression is concerned. There are many more practical ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ on abstinence in the book Sex Interrupted such as demystifying the sexual urge and tips on how to know when you’ve ‘gone too far’. I would encourage you to get a copy and read through as it has been reviewed as a very insightful, relevant and practical guide on the subject matter of abstinence.

So is there really a middle ground? Not if you are going to make one of two choices. When it comes to casual sex, you are either having it or you are not having it. The important thing is that one is well aware of the pros and cons of both options when making the decision. There are two paths, only one can be followed.


***For more info on the book sex interrupted, click here

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Have you ever wondered why the eye of the needle is so small? I was trying to pass some thread through the eye of a needle the other day and was so frustrated, I almost gave up. I heard myself moaning ‘why, oh why is the eye of the needle so small?!’ I bet you’ve probably had the same unpleasant experience at some point while doing the laundry. It took me a few seconds to eventually get the needle through, but it felt like an hour! The task seemed like one that was intentionally designed to be complicated when it really should be so simple.

Even though it seemed an uphill task, it still proved to be doable.

Today, the popular thinking is that abstaining from premarital sex, or as some others put it, casual sex, is impossible. For some, it is indeed a struggle trying to do what they know is right. Feeling frustrated, they ask themselves the question – ‘Is it possible? Can I really do this?’ I’ve been there, so I know exactly how that feels.

Watch my recent YouTube promo ‘is it possible?’ and share with your family, friends and indeed everyone you know. People need to hear a positive message that tells them ‘yes you can!’

God bless…

***Can you tell how many times the question ‘is it possible?’ is shown in the video? Post your answers on the Sex Interrupted page, for a chance to win a special prize. Invite your friends to take part too!***

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THIS GENERATION HAS LOST IT!

The last ten months since the book Sex Interrupted was released have been very eventful. I've been tracked down by many Media guys for TV, Radio and Magazine interviews because of my views on premarital sex and abstinence. Just when you think abstinence is an unpopular topic, you find your presumptions are proven wrong. A few months ago, I launched an online poll asking the question - 'Is the media contributing positively to young people’s perspective on sex?'. 92% of responses were 'NO'.

Indeed, it has become obvious that this generation has begun to see the need to stand up for what is right. As unlikely as it may sound, this generation is starting to wake up to the reality that Casual Sex has been over sold and over rated.

Early this month, the BBC reported a story asking the question 'How can we protect children from internet porn?'On the issue of over sexualised music videos, a review into the sexualisation and commercialisation of childhood states 'There have been complaints about the sexual images and lyrics in such videos - and rows among performers about what is right or wrong.' There is now growing concern for the content of music videos and how these are potentially harmful to our young people. In the article, John Carr, of the Children's Charities' Coalition on Internet Safety says 'There is too much [pornography] around and it's too easy for kids to get at.'

When I read this story, I heaved a sigh of relief. Phew! Just when you think everything is going down hill from here on, we wake up and stand up for what is right...and this is just the beginning.

In my recent interactions with youth and teens, they have shared with me how they would rather not have sex now and wait until marriage, but are not getting as much encouragement to do the right thing as they are getting to do the wrong. We need to be the catalyst that precipitates the change in mindset, attitude and perception our young people have about sex.

I once told a pessimist on this matter who told me it's too late to 'be writing a book like this, when the horse has bolted' that it is never too late to start again. Every time a child is born we have another opportunity to get it right. To teach and impart the right values.

We can make a difference. We will make a difference!


See the BBC article here