RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Joann stood frozen in the hallway. She could not believe what she had just heard. How was she to answer? What would be her answer? When was she going to answer? These questions danced around in her mind like children on a play ground. She was utterly confused. Excited, but confused.

Only moments ago, Kevin, whom she had been dating for six months, asked her to marry him. It was so unexpected. Not once had she picked up the hint that he felt so strongly about her. He did mention once that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but she dismissed it; don't want to start getting excited she’d thought. She could even count the number of times he’d told her 'I love you'. The first time was about a month after they met. They’d been out to the cinema to see a new romantic comedy and even shared their first kiss as they parted ways that night. They were both pretty weak for each other that night and she thought his reference to the word 'love' only meant something else. She could count on her fingers the number of times he’s said ‘I love you’ since then.

Before they started dating, they had known each other casually for about three years, as they were both members of the same local church. The past six months they shared together helped her see him in a new light. He was funny, generous and so caring. Not a day went by without him checking on her to see that she was OK. He was also such an extrovert, and every weekend, he would take her to one party or another. In most cases he was the life of the party. This weekend, they were out with friends at a house warming party.

And now as she stood there bemused and lost for words, she could feel the twenty pairs of eyes of their - mostly his - friends piercing through her as they waited for what seemed like an eternity for her to respond to his question.

Her mouth felt like an arid desert. Is this what ladies go through? She thought, I didn’t know saying 'yes' was this difficult.

'Joann', Kevin broke into her thoughts with his ever so gentle voice, 'I know it's a bit unexpected', he paused, then added slightly nervously 'but I think you want to say something?'

Joann was still dumbfounded and tongue-tied. She felt like she'd lost her voice. I don't want to say something. She knew she wanted to say ‘yes’, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to say it.

Not just yet.

There was silence as everyone waited. A very awkward and deafening silence

Finally, she mustered some strength, enough to produce some audible, albeit muffled sound from her lips. 'Yes.' She whispered.

'She said ‘yes’!' One of the people closer to the front of the room yelled. 'She said ‘yes’!' another echoed and the room became agog with laughter and celebration as Kevin pulled Joann to himself and they united in a warm and tight embrace. As Joann nestled her head on Kevin's chest, she couldn't help but ask herself have I done the right thing?

.…………………………………………………………………………………………………

The choice of who we marry is a life changing one. It goes a long way to determine and influence what we eventually become in life. It is a lifelong covenant, so it should be made with care.

Just like in the story of Joann and Kevin, most of the time, the onus is on the woman to decide if a relationship will lead to marriage. It is not so much if the man proposes, but it is if the woman accepts the proposal.

Many relationships lead to a proposal, but not every proposal will be answered with a 'yes'. Sometimes, to safeguard against getting a 'no', men stage a very public proposal; like in front of a crowd or audience expecting that the woman will not deny them publicly. Still, there have been quite a few public refusals where the woman just knows a public 'no' before a marriage is better than a public divorce after.

There will most assuredly be the right one, but women need to exercise caution and be prayerful before accepting a marriage proposal. There are various signs that could help you identify 'the one', and these signs are not 'tall, dark and handsome with a great job, house and car' as many ladies say wishfully. Though they are ‘good-to-haves’, they are not ‘must-haves’.

A few signs to look out for are - Compatibility – you must get along well and have similar or complimenting personalities, goals and ambitions. Physical attraction – among other things, you must be happy with the thought of seeing his face first thing in the morning. Chemistry – there must be some romantic feelings that you both have for each other. Friendship – you can call him your best friend and he gets along well with your friends and family. This is in no way a comprehensive list!

The interesting thing is you could have all these and still not be sure if he's the one and whether to say ‘yes’ when he pops the big question. I have had several ladies ask me 'how do I know that he is the one for me, I don't want to make a mistake?' I often give them three keys to knowing if to say ‘yes’.

1. Personal peace (Isaiah 26:3). This is a sign that you are in line with God's purpose for you. If you do not feel any reservations or anxiety towards the idea of spending the rest of your life with him, then you are likely to be on the right course. Going into marriage requires a strong conviction and resolution to love and live with your partner come hell or high water, so your heart and mind must feel right about it. Like someone said ‘the thought of marrying him must not scare you in the least’.

2. Pastoral approval (2 Chronicles 20:20). If you submit to your spiritual leaders or spiritual parents, then you should keep them in the loop of your relationships, especially where marriage is concerned. Sometimes, they can discern things you cannot, so will be able to guide your decision in line with God's purpose for you.

3. Parental approval (Judges 14:1-3). This is sometimes the most difficult to obtain, as parents expectations from relationships could be vastly different from yours or your spiritual leaders'. In some cases, you may not even be able to obtain parental approval; say where there are religious or racial differences the parents are not ready to accommodate. But in all your getting strive to get your parents on your side where marriage is concerned, as their blessing is very important.

These are three ‘Ps’ that will help you know 'the one' and hopefully, help you make the right choice. Personal Peace giving you mental cover, Pastoral Approval giving you spiritual cover and Parental Approval giving you physical cover.

So remember when that special moment comes and he pops the 'magic question', don't say 'yes' without giving it some deep thought and prayer. It is always easy to ask a question, never so easy to give an answer.

IS THERE A MIDDLE GROUND?

We live in a world where conflicting messages about what is expected of adolescent sexual activity are fed to us on a constant basis. The most affected of these divergent views, being the youth and singles.

On one hand, they are told to abstain or to just say “NO” without knowing why, for how long or exactly how to go about it. On the other hand, they may see sexual relationships as extremely desirable, given the way celebrities, music, movies, TV, magazines and commercials present casual sexual gratification as harmless and a great source of pleasure. They are made to believe sexual gratification cannot and need not be saved for marriage.

Then there is the pressure they are likely to face from their 'partners', because let's face it, sexual attraction starts from early teenage years, so to think a teenager does not have a boy/girl friend or a crush or secret admirer is to be in denial.

So then, is there a middle ground between both extremes? Can we help young people make better decisions regarding their sexuality without getting them confused? It is a tricky question.

It may help if we scrutinized the word 'Abstinence'. What really does it mean?
Abstinence is self-denial and the willful avoidance of pleasures for the achievement of a higher goal. Self-denial suggests resisting one's own desires. It does not suggest ignoring them.

It is hard on young people when we don't make it clear to them that they will have sexual desires and these should be acknowledge and can be addressed and effectively managed.
Dare I say, it is also unfair if we deny the fact that there are indeed pleasures to be derived from sex. After all, sex was designed by God to be a pleasurable experience, shared between husband and wife (Song Of Solomon 4:12-15). However, the whole idea of abstinence is being aware of a pleasurable experience, but deliberately and consciously avoiding it.  

Yet, the most interesting fact about the word abstinence is that it is done in order to achieve a greater goal. It is done knowing that there is a reward on the other side. This could be anything from living in good health and free from STDs to pursuing a political career not fraught with sexual scandals. The rewards of abstinence are far reaching.

But it is not all fun and games. Abstaining from sex, especially given the sort of pressures facing youth today, is not a walk in the park. In the first instance, it requires the knowledge of why you’re doing it, otherwise, it would be pointless.

Discipline, and self-control are key where abstinence is concerned. They are to abstinence what fuel is to a car. The calibre of friends one associates with also goes a long way to influence the choices made where sexual expression is concerned. There are many more practical ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ on abstinence in the book Sex Interrupted such as demystifying the sexual urge and tips on how to know when you’ve ‘gone too far’. I would encourage you to get a copy and read through as it has been reviewed as a very insightful, relevant and practical guide on the subject matter of abstinence.

So is there really a middle ground? Not if you are going to make one of two choices. When it comes to casual sex, you are either having it or you are not having it. The important thing is that one is well aware of the pros and cons of both options when making the decision. There are two paths, only one can be followed.


***For more info on the book sex interrupted, click here

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Have you ever wondered why the eye of the needle is so small? I was trying to pass some thread through the eye of a needle the other day and was so frustrated, I almost gave up. I heard myself moaning ‘why, oh why is the eye of the needle so small?!’ I bet you’ve probably had the same unpleasant experience at some point while doing the laundry. It took me a few seconds to eventually get the needle through, but it felt like an hour! The task seemed like one that was intentionally designed to be complicated when it really should be so simple.

Even though it seemed an uphill task, it still proved to be doable.

Today, the popular thinking is that abstaining from premarital sex, or as some others put it, casual sex, is impossible. For some, it is indeed a struggle trying to do what they know is right. Feeling frustrated, they ask themselves the question – ‘Is it possible? Can I really do this?’ I’ve been there, so I know exactly how that feels.

Watch my recent YouTube promo ‘is it possible?’ and share with your family, friends and indeed everyone you know. People need to hear a positive message that tells them ‘yes you can!’

God bless…

***Can you tell how many times the question ‘is it possible?’ is shown in the video? Post your answers on the Sex Interrupted page, for a chance to win a special prize. Invite your friends to take part too!***

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THIS GENERATION HAS LOST IT!

The last ten months since the book Sex Interrupted was released have been very eventful. I've been tracked down by many Media guys for TV, Radio and Magazine interviews because of my views on premarital sex and abstinence. Just when you think abstinence is an unpopular topic, you find your presumptions are proven wrong. A few months ago, I launched an online poll asking the question - 'Is the media contributing positively to young people’s perspective on sex?'. 92% of responses were 'NO'.

Indeed, it has become obvious that this generation has begun to see the need to stand up for what is right. As unlikely as it may sound, this generation is starting to wake up to the reality that Casual Sex has been over sold and over rated.

Early this month, the BBC reported a story asking the question 'How can we protect children from internet porn?'On the issue of over sexualised music videos, a review into the sexualisation and commercialisation of childhood states 'There have been complaints about the sexual images and lyrics in such videos - and rows among performers about what is right or wrong.' There is now growing concern for the content of music videos and how these are potentially harmful to our young people. In the article, John Carr, of the Children's Charities' Coalition on Internet Safety says 'There is too much [pornography] around and it's too easy for kids to get at.'

When I read this story, I heaved a sigh of relief. Phew! Just when you think everything is going down hill from here on, we wake up and stand up for what is right...and this is just the beginning.

In my recent interactions with youth and teens, they have shared with me how they would rather not have sex now and wait until marriage, but are not getting as much encouragement to do the right thing as they are getting to do the wrong. We need to be the catalyst that precipitates the change in mindset, attitude and perception our young people have about sex.

I once told a pessimist on this matter who told me it's too late to 'be writing a book like this, when the horse has bolted' that it is never too late to start again. Every time a child is born we have another opportunity to get it right. To teach and impart the right values.

We can make a difference. We will make a difference!


See the BBC article here

An Encounter With A Female Pimp

Pimpess, as all the girls in school liked to call her, was the wildest girl to ever walk through the school's tall brass gates. Always wearing a skirt way shorter than the recommended length, sporting large hoop earrings and hair dyed with streaks of purple, she was not one to be missed or messed with. Even the teachers practically avoided her for fear of being attacked. Another thing Pimpess was also renowned for was bullying younger girls, especially if she found they were virgins or didn't have a boy friend. She would bully them until they agreed to be 'hooked up'. Everyone who wanted peace, had one of two options - befriend her or totally avoid her.

And 'totally avoid her' was what Carine, the new girl planned on doing as soon as she was briefed about Pimpess (the briefing which had now become a standard part of the induction).

One day while having lunch with some friends in the cafeteria, Carine had the unpleasant 'honour' of having Pimpess join her table. The day she dreaded had finally come.
'So Canine' Pimpess started.
'Er actually, it's Carine,' Carine gently pointed out.
'I see, Carine' she paused looking around the table as though to say 'this one thinks she's smart'.
'I hear you're a church girl.'
Carine did not reply.
'I take your silence for consent' said Pimpess. Carine meanwhile continued to chew mechanically on her chicken.
'I also gather you don't have a boyfriend and that in fact, you're still a virgin.' She raised her voice on the last four words and there was now a larger audience than just their table.
Carine almost choked on her chicken. 
'So, in your church, do they teach you not to have sex or else God will strike you down with some medieval plague? Did God really say you should not have a boyfriend or have sex and enjoy life? What sort of sad person would believe and live by such primitive standards?'
Carine was getting hot all over and was trying really hard to stay calm.
'Pimpess, God actually wants us to have sex, but only at the right time - in marriage.'
'I thought the right time was when you're 18...' someone said form the adjacent table.
'And who asked for your opinion?!' Retorted Pimpess.  To Carine she said, 'So what happens to those who have it before marriage, do they go to hell?' The sarcasm was so thick one could slice it with a knife.
'You will not go to hell if you repent, you still have a chance to change.'
'But why should I? If you're not having sex, you're not a complete woman. Besides, What is the difference between sex before marriage and sex after marriage, after all it's still sex?'
To which Carine replied 'What is the difference between 'lifting' a cereal bar off the shelf in a supermarket and paying for it at the till, after all, it's still a cereal bar? The difference is the value placed on it by God - the creator of sex. And speaking of completeness, you are never as complete as you were before you had sex. Your state of virginity is your most perfect and complete state. You see, what you have I can get whenever I want, but what I have, you can never get, ever again!'
And with that, along with a weak, yet encouraging applause from some of the kids on the nearby tables, the discussion was over.

Recently, I meditated on Genesis 3:1-5 (NLT) which I have broadly paraphrased in this story, except that unlike Eve who was swayed, Carine wasn't. I realised that the devil is still in the business of coming to us - subtly or forcefully - and perverting God's word. Just like he did with Eve, he uses people and things around us to question and challenge our beliefs. In the above fictitious story, we can see one of the strategies he uses on our youth today - bullying and the pressure to conform.

I love this question that was asked in the story - 'What is the difference between sex before marriage and sex after marriage, after all it's still sex?'
This is a question I once asked myself, as I was trying to understand why an act which was essentially the same either way, was good on one side and bad on the other.

What makes the difference is the value placed on it by God - the creator of sex. To access a thing of value, one must pay. To gain access without paying is stealing. This is similar to the 99p value placed on the cereal bar by the super market. Not only does the buyer of the cereal bar need to pay 99p, but they also have to pay in the correct currency.  Chances are if you went into a shop in London and tried to pay for a cereal bar with the equivalent of 99p in Japanese Yen, you would be shown the exit.

Likewise, God designed sex to be enjoyed by two partners in covenant relationship, having 'paid' (as it were) for their sexual gratification by exchanging wedding vows; and who through the act of sex continue to renew their covenant with and express their affection for each other.
God sees sex as a very important thing, hence why the devil tries so hard to pervert it.

Don't be deceived, God wants you to have sex and to have fun and peace of mind while at it (not guilt or an unwanted/ unplanned pregnancy). But you've got to do it right - in marriage. There is no better place to have sex than a place where you don't have to hide, feel filthy, guilty or ashamed. That place is found in marriage and YOU can wait for it. 

Remember, if God says you can, you can.

Shalom!

GUARD YOUR HEART.

Many years ago, cities were fortified with walls surrounding them, for example, the London Wall and the Great Wall of China. These walls not only ensured boundaries were well defined for political prowess, but also served as protection from intruders and safeguarded the cities' valuables.

Likewise, the word of God encourages us to 'guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.' The Good News Translation says it this way 'Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts' (Prov 4v23)
Recently, I have been asked by lots of young people 'how is it possible to abstain from sex? It is totally the hardest thing you can ask of anyone'. Agreed, it is totally hard, but it is not impossible. There are many tips to help young people in this area, but one I often share is 'guard your heart'. In other words, 'be careful how you think'.

Imagine your heart and mind are a city and there are intruders constantly trying to gain access with the aim of disturbing the peace of the city and plundering it. These may come in the form of Images - for example subtle pornographic messages in TV ads or pictures in magazines, Sounds -sensual music with erotic undertones, Ideas - sometimes from the books we've read or discussions we've had. These 'intruders' get into unfortified 'cities' easily and fuel thoughts that eventually birth actions which may in turn have unsavoury consequences (e.g. unprepared parenthood).
But if your 'city' -heart and mind - are fortified or guarded as the bible puts it, even though the intruders come, you will have a defence against them. It means that even though we are tempted (and no one can escape being tempted), we are not brought down by the temptation.
To guard our hearts we need to first fill it with the Word and then build a wall around it, built with building blocks from the Word. This will help our thoughts not to be influenced by what we see, hear or feel. Why the Word? Because it doesn't just tell us not to sin but also gives deep insights on how to resist temptation and hints on how to start again if we fall. For example, Proverbs 6v25 advises young men (and ladies alike) 'Don't be tempted by their beauty; don't be trapped by their flirting eyes.' (Good News Translation). Another great verse is Romans 12v2 'Don't copy the way things are done by today's generation, instead be different and let the Word of God daily renew you as you come to an understanding of what your purpose is in Him' (paraphrased).

As we read and meditate on the Word, God will continue to show us how to overcome temptation. With every temptation there is a way of escape (1 Corinth 10v13), we just don't see it sometimes.

So go in this might and be fortified!

*******************   If you know a young person who could benefit from reading this, please don't hesitate to pass it on.               ****************

The Wounded Soldier

Boom! That was the sound of another mine exploding barely thirty feet away.
The sheer impact of it shook the ground and sent debris and hundreds of sharp-edged, fist-sized rocks  flying in all directions, with some landing painfully on some of the soldiers.
The men of the 7th platoon were stationed behind the trenches awaiting the signal from the Lieutenant to open fire on the enemy.
It had been a long battle and by now, many of them were starting to grow tired. Many had been killed in the battle and even many more were injured, some mutilated for life.
Sergeant Sam was one of those who'd just been hit by one of those heavy rocks and he was immediately overwhelmed with fear, because he thought instinctively that he'd been shot. He grabbed his left arm, wincing in pain, and signalled over one of his comrades; Sergeant Tom who came to his side immediately. They both examined his bleeding arm and confirmed; much to Sam's relief that he'd only been hit by a rock. Phew!
Just then they heard in their ear pieces, the Lieutenant's command to attack.
Instantly, they and five other platoons all opened fire.  The battle field came alive with the sound of over two hundred M250G machine guns firing at the enemy. The enemy also opened fire and the ensuing shoot out lasted one full hour.
Then there was silence.
Then there was the horrific sound of the groaning of injured men.
Sergeant Sam had not been hit. Thank God! But one look over his shoulder and it was evident his comrade Tom hadn't been so fortunate. He was sprawled on the sandy floor with blood flowing from his left shoulder. He looked rather lifeless and Sam immediately rushed to his side.
'Hey, Tom,' he cried shaking him for any sign of life. 'Tom, answer me! I need you to hang in there. I need you alive!' It seemed like a scene from a movie, but it was all so real. Too real.
'Argh!' Tom groaned, eyes still closed with barely any movement in his limbs.
'Thank God you're alive, Tom.' Sam felt a wave of relief flow through his body like a cool summer rain.
'We're gonna get you to the medics. I promise you'll be just fine. Just hang in there. Just do that will you?' Sam desperately wanted his comrade and friend to survive what was now looking like a fatal wound.
'Mm...I will' Tom whispered weakly.
Sam called for help and got Tom transported to the medics for proper care.
As Tom was being taken away on the strecher, so weakened by his blood loss that he could not even muster the strength to wave bye, Sam couldn't help but think 'that could have been me'.

We love to sing the song 'I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord', and that is great. After all, when the Bible speaks of 'putting on the whole armour of God', 'fighting the good fight if faith', 'wrestling not against flesh and blood' and 'the weapons of our warfare', it is all too clear that becoming a Christian means we are enlisted in the Lord's army.
One reality that we tend to over look though, is that in battle, there are those who will be killed (for example, the early Christians who were martyred for their faith in Jesus Christ). There are also those who will be injured. Some by enemy fire, and sadly, some by friendly fire or ricochets.
Today, the body of Christ still has many wounded soldiers. Some have been hit by temptation which has caused them to sin. Now they lay wounded, weakened by the impact of the 'bullet'. Unable to get up on their own and desperately reaching out for help. But most times, what do we do? Most times, we don't turn our backs. No. We look them square in the face and ask 'why did you let yourself get hit, hm? Where were you looking when the bullet hit you, hm? If you'd been more prayerful, this wouldn't have happened to you', then we seal it with 'it is well'.
Lord have mercy!
Truth is, even though we may never in reality speak those words to a wounded Christian soldier, our attitude speaks them. In as much as there is the need for discipline in the body of Christ, when a person is down, help them up first before chastising.
We need to learn to reach out and touch not just the unbelievers, but also the wounded soldiers.  We need to stop the habit of turning a blind eye to our fellow comrades and brothers who have been taken down in battle. As well as the habit of talking about them rather than talking to them and praying for them. Some of them would take bullets for us and are probably down because they did just that.

When a man goes down in battle, a soldier's first instinct (while still on guard) is to see if they are still alive and to get help immediately. They know that team work, not individuals, stand a better chance against the enemy, so the more people can be sustained in the team, the closer they are to victory.

As soldiers of the Lord, let us revive the team spirit. Let us look out for one another. Let us encourage and pray for one another. Let us help the wounded soldiers up and put them on the road to recovery, because that person sprawling on the ground could very well have been us.

Shalom

THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

When asked what he was going to do differently in the New Year, Kyle didn’t miss a beat and excitedly answered, ‘This year, I am going to be a better friend than I have been in the past’.
‘Is that all?’ Dave asked, quite amazed at the simplicity of his younger brother’s new year’s resolution.
‘Well yes,’ Kyle chimed, ‘you see, in the past, I had a long list of resolutions. I had so many things I wanted to get done. I found it hard to achieve them and as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I found that I had gradually lost sight of my initial plan. I lost steam. You get my drift?’
‘I see’ Dave was slowly losing interest in the conversation.
‘So what I’ve decided this year is to keep it simple.’
‘And by becoming a better friend, you hope to achieve what exactly?’ asked Dave cynically
‘Well, you see, I’ve been trying to stop eating chocolates for the past two years. You know Phil from the tennis club?’
‘Yes,’
‘He managed to stop eating chocolates last year, so I figured if we stay as good friends, he’ll help me and show me how he did it’
‘Interesting!’
‘That’s not all,’ Kyle continued excitedly, ‘well, you know how I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the piano but never got really far?’
‘Yes,’
‘Harry, my friend from school has a great music tutor who teaches him to play many instruments including the piano. I figured if we stay good friends, I could get his music tutor to teach me too.’
‘Wonderful!’ Dave was starting to enjoy listening to his baby brother.
‘Oh, oh and there’s more!’ Kyle sensed his older brother’s interest in his speech and was going to juice it. It wasn’t often that Dave was interested in anything Kyle said (or did as a matter of fact). ‘Last year, I wanted to have a surprise party for mom and dad, but couldn’t. My friend Sandy’s mom is a party planner, so…’
Dave cut in ‘you figured if you stay friends with Sandy, her mom will help plan the party?’
‘Yes,’ Kyle paused ‘and of course I will also be able to invite her to the party. You get my drift?’ Kyle winked at his older brother who was now smiling.
‘So what’s your new year’s resolution?’ he asked Dave
‘Oh just to keep you out of trouble and to throw you a party when you turn thirteen!’
‘Hahaha!’ Kyle was pleased to hear that

It is interesting how we usually have long ‘to-do’ lists called New Year’s resolutions at the start of the year. Whether we follow these through or not is really up to us.

It is also up to the company we keep. I’ve found that sometimes, we go all out to achieve all these goals on our own. By going solo, we lose steam quickly and are back where we started.

I wrote the story above as I was thinking of a simple way to convey the importance of networking and the value of friendships as we go into 2011. Yes, we may have big dreams and big ambitions, but without people – the right people-, we may never be able to achieve them.

The bible says in II Corinth 15 v 13 ‘Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners’. This also suggests that good communications or associations enhance good manners.

So whether you want to start exercising thrice a week, or you want to give up chocolate, or you want to study the Word more, whatever it is you aspire for in 2011, ensure that you have the right people around you who can help you achieve them.

Make friends (and sustain friendships) with people who have the potential to help you. For example if you want to start exercising, make friends with someone who probably goes to the gym often, and you could start going together. Likewise, if you want to study the Word more, but have been finding it a challenge, maybe you need a Bible Study Buddy, someone with whom you can read and discuss the Word on a regular basis.

It is also key that we don’t just look for people who can help us achieve our goals, but that we also look to help others. As we forge friendships and build relationships in 2011 (and indeed in life), let us look to give as much value into them as we get out of them

I pray 2011 will be a fulfilling year for us all
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SHALOM!